| Jokes in English |
Italian guest
Dear Signore Dirrettore Now I am tella you a strory how I was treated at your hotella. I am comma from Roma as tourist to London and stay as younga christian man at your hotella. When I comma in my room I see there is no shit in my bed. How can I sleep with no shit in my bed? So I calla down to receptione and tella: 'I wanna shit!' They tella me: 'Go to toilet'. I say 'no, no. I wanna shit in my bed.' They say: 'You better not shit in your bed you sonnawabitch!' What is a sonnawabitch? I go down for breackfast into ristorante, I order bacon and eggs and two pissis of toast. I getta only one piss of toast. I tella waitress, and pointa of toast: 'I wanna piss'. She tella me 'go to toilet'. I say: 'No, no. I wanna piss on my plate!'. She then say to me: 'You bloody hella not piss on the plate, you sonnawabitch!' What is a sonnawabitch? Later I go for dinner in your ristorante. Spoon and knife is laid out, but no fock. I tella waitress: 'I wanna fock!' and she tella me: 'Sure everybody wanna fock!' I tella her: 'no no. You dont understand me. I wanna fock on the table!' She tella me: 'So you sonnawabitch wanna fock on the table? Get your ass outa here!' So I go to receptione and ask for bill. I no wanna stay in this hotella no more. When I heve paid the billa, the portier sy to me: 'Thank you and peace on you'. I say: 'Piss on you too, you sonnawabitch! I go back to Italy ! I never comma saty at your hotella,' your sonnawabitch! SINCERELY
Japanese Student
A Teacher Reviews - Some Quotes from American History It was the first day of school, and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me death?" She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy. "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do." As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese." "Who said that?" she demanded. Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said. At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up." The teacher says, "Who said that?" Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my ...." Once again, Toshiba answers, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997"
Border problems in Italy
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, "It's illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can't pull that one on me," replies the Italian customs agent. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over -- I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can't come. He's busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.
Survey
A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question : "PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THE WORLD" No result was achieved, since the following problems were faced during the survey's implementation : 1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack" 2. In Africa no one knew what is "food" 3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion" 4. In South America no one knew what is "please" 5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world".
Cannibal Family
A cannibal took his young son for a walk in the jungle. They came across a beautiful, naked girl lying asleep on the ground. The boy got excited and said, "Let's eat her now, Dad!" But the father said, "No, I have a better idea. Let's bring her home and eat your mother.
Little rabbit
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all! "The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"
Report of the Chinese private detective Chen Lee
MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE I WATCH HOUSE HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. I NOT SEE. NO FEE, CHEN LEE.
Italian honeymoon
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. 'Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.' So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.' So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.' 'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.' So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.' 'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother. 'This is a job for Mama!'
Cannibals as company men
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers at a Defense Company near Boston. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees." The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees. Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared, however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?" A hand rises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Division Chiefs and Project Managers so no one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaning lady!"
Plastic surgery
There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all,... this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!
Women's geography
Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open. Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas. Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty. Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit. Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away. Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future. After 70, they become Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Western wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau has an appartment overlooking the Western Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. She was certain he would be a good interview subject. The journalist goes down to the Wall, and introduces herself to the old man. She asks, "You come every day to the Wall. Sir, how long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning, I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians." The journalist is impressed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?" she asks. The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."
Heaven or Hell?
Heaven is where the Chefs are French The Police are British the Mechanics are German the Lovers Italian and it's all organized by the Swiss Hell is where the Chefs are British The Police are German the Mechanics are French the Lovers are Swiss and it's all organized by the Italians.
Marathon
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" She replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only if it's raining."
NASA
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
The Thinking Woman...
A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book. Along comes a forest policeman in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says: "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "isn't that obvious?") "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the policeman. "That's true, but you have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.
Types of women
HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER. RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off. WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her. EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use Her for your four basic needs. SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun! INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access. SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her. MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful. CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster. E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense. VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to Uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you Will lose everything.
Survey
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure because:- - In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. - In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. - In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. - In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. - In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. - In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And, in the US, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Math
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres. In short, they tried everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise little Tommy got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT was it???? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then", she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms???? WHAT was it????" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Cultural Diversity
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: Two Italian men and one Italian woman Two French men and one French woman Two German men and one German woman Two Greek men and one Greek woman Two English men and one English woman Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman Two Irish men and one Irish woman Two American men and one American woman One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a m�nage a trois. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits the German woman. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun. The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
The New European Language
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-yearphase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters that have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand etsh�oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru .. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas. If zis mad yu smil, plez pas on to oza pepl.
A poem written by an African Shakespeare
Dear white fella, Couple things you should know: When I was born, I black When I grow up, I black, When I go in sun, I black When I cold, I black When I scared, I black When I sick, I black, And when I die, I still black. You, white fella, When you born, you pink When you grow up, you white When you go in sun, you red When you cold, you blue When you scared, you yellow When you sick, you green And when you die, you grey. And you have the fucking nerve to call me colored?
Irish joke
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? " The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...." "Ye what ??? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff" "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl, I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug"
Prostate Examination........... THAI Style
After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.
Morning Sex
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming Or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked: "What was that all about?" She explained: "The egg timer's broken."
Presents in the past
Grandfather: "When I was your age, all I've got for Christmas was an apple and a blackberry. Boy: "WHAT! A LAPTOP AND A MOBILE?!"
Harley Mechanic
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage. "Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask: "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759), when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic: "Try doing it with the engine running."
Scottish cow
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye : "My wife is from Scotland "
Three kings
Teacher: "Can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Student: "smo-king, drin-king & fuc-king"
New Car for 2010
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink and the average male car thief wont be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.